Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Hypotheses

I'm happy that you texted me again after weeks of ignoring me. I don't know what happened to you for the past few weeks we did not talk. I've developed hypotheses and these are:

  • You got accepted to the work you wanted (based on your status update which you also confirmed from our last conversation earlier).
  • Your feelings for him got stronger in my absence.
  • You've totally forgotten about me.
  • You don't want me anymore (or you did not want me at all).

I'm not being bitter. I was on the verge of giving up for the last few days until you texted me again earlier. It brought a spark of hope that this foolish feeling can somehow be saved.

I will go back to reading now. I hope that when you text me again tomorrow, I'll be able to read and reply right away.

I can't sleep. I'm anxious you might get tired of me.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Hollow

At least tell me if it's over.

You left me in the dark and even if my eyes are wide open, I still can't see.

Should I stay until you bring me the light or should I just sense the way out?

You should tell me. If you are scared to speak to me for feelings might resurrect, then you are a coward.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

A dream that felt so real (or surreal?)


Hello! Good morning! I just woke up and I dreamed of you again. It felt so real.

In my dream, I was traveling. I saw sights such as curving roads like that in Baguio. In that place, I can sense an ocean nearby. When I arrived at this town, it’s evening already. I went inside this house and saw a guy in his mid-forties or fifties. He was sleeping. When I entered the other room I saw you standing there. You were wearing a navy blue sweater and a pair of jeans. You cut your hair short. It didn’t matter to me. All that mattered that time was that I finally saw you again. You asked me what I was doing there. I hugged you and you did not resist. When you finally broke out from the embrace, you told me to get out of the place for your dad might see us.

When I finally went out of your house, I saw your dad and he saw me. We met halfway at the entrance. When I passed by him, he asked me if I was courting you (of course, the context is that you are still together with your boyfriend) and I said “no sir” or “no Tito” and immediately left your home.

There were other parts of my dream that have no connection to you at all, for example, I and Kring traveling inside a car with few of her siblings such as Andrei. And other parts of my dream like me talking to my two cousins and my aunt.

The highlight of my dream is when I traveled all the way to your place just to see you.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Sputnik I

I like traveling and going to different places. It feeds my soul when I get to take a trip outside the usual confines of the places I go to.

I just got home from my overnight stay at my bestfriend's house in Bacoor, Cavite. This bestfriend of mine is named Ali and he became my bestfriend when I was still in Adamson. Anyway, the city of Bacoor is a 2-hour travel from our town here in Cainta. I left home yesterday at around 11AM or 12NN and arrived at Cavite at around 2PM.

I spent the night at Ali's house because it was his birthday. We ate (our favorite activity when we are at their home), talked about of lot of things a.k.a. did a lot of catching up, and also went malling. I joined them when they went to SM Mall of Asia to look for prospective restaurants they will dine in after their graduation rites on Monday. Ali has a car so we didn't have to commute to get to MOA. During the night (actually it was morning already that time), we also drank a bit. Ali is not allowed to drink at home so we kinda sneaked in.

Going home a while ago was not easy. I got stuck in the rain in Talaba (still in Bacoor) and it took me a few minutes before I was able to get in a bus. I decided to take the Lawton-bound bus instead of the usual Pasay bus so that when I get to Manila, I can just transfer to another bus bound straight home which is the RRCG or the G-Liner bus. If I chose the Pasay-bound bus then, I will have to walk a few blocks before I get to the MRT. It's hassle for me because it was raining and I didn't have any umbrella with me that time.

What I like about my travel experiences is that I get to think of strategies and alternatives on how to go from one place to another with less hassle. I successfully got into a Lawton bus from Talaba, Bacoor, Cavite and a Cainta bus when I decided to drop off to PNU.

My favorite mode of transportation is the bus more than the LRT, MRT, jeep, FX, or taxi. Inside a bus you can sleep (although with some level of difficulty and awkwardness in position). You can also keep dry when it's raining because unlike inside a jeepney it's just covered with some "trapal". In terms of level of safety and security, it's relatively high because there are no cruel taxi drivers to set you up. You just have to guard yourself from robbery gangs or holdapers who might jump inside the bus and declare a hold up or suddenly point a sharp object beside you (which thankfully has not happened to me yet and I pray not to happen ever to me).

When I'm inside a bus, especially when I'm able to secure a seat, I get to do a lot of things such as reading a fiction novel, thinking and imagining random thoughts, and the best of all--sleeping. It's just awkward that when you fall asleep, you'll realize that your mouth was wide open all the time you were sleeping.

Date Ideas Part 1

Because I miss you intensely, I'm going to write something for you before I go to sleep.

I want to watch a movie in the cinema house with you or watch together a downloaded one at home. I want to bring you to UP and eat at different food stalls there: Mang Larry's Isaw, Rodic's Tapsilog, Bentelog at KNL, the delicious fruit shakes there, the fic ice cream and a lot more food we might encounter along the way. I want to bring you to my favorite places in Manila: the classic Luneta Park, Intamuros, Divisoria, Recto, Quiapo, National Museum (I haven't been here), SM Manila, etc. :)

Ultimately, I want to bring you to my favorite place so far in the whole Philippines--at Los Baños, Laguna. I want to swing in the baging with you, go to my dorm and my first real college which is the College of Forestry and Natural Resources (CFNR), eat the classic Papu's siomai there with you, walk along the Freedom Park, buy something at Mace's. I want to bring you to Mayondon in Los Baños as well and introduce you to my relatives there.

I'm thinking of more date trips even though we're not officially together yet. I believe someday we will be.

I am getting more and more date ideas. I can't wait for the day we'll finally be able to go out on a date without guilt and worries.



Note: Originally written Thursday or Friday dawn at around 1AM.


Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Paranoia 180

I sometimes think that the guys who I sit beside with inside every FX I ride in when I go home from office is your boyfriend. I also think that each of those guys who I think is your boyfriend will punch me anytime without warning straight in the face. It's just my paranoia. But I'm not scared.

I miss you. I'm going home. It's late already but I'm still in the office writing random things about you.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Not just a dream anymore

I dreamed of you yesterday but I was not able to write about it right away.

In my dream, you were with him. You were doing a sort of video-documentary about your quarrel and you guys are breaking up. It's weird actually and I can't understand (or remember) what you guys were trying to say. Maybe I dreamed of it because it has something to do with the last blog entry I wrote about you with the CCTV camera thing and shit. I read somewhere that sometimes we dream because there are repressed desires.

Anyway, the gist is you guys are explaining to me that you are breaking up. The only thing clear there is I was watching that video-documentary.

It's hard to explain or interpret dreams. I'm just glad that you're in my dreams again, this time without forcing you to be part of it. I like how natural dreams can become.

I hope to dream of you and me being together in a relationship one day then I'll wake up and find that it's real and it's not just a mere dream anymore.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

H E L P

I'm like some stupid ass staying up until late, writing and writing like some pathetic cast away lost in a shitty island for losers and sending a letter in a bottle in the hopes it will reach you. And you'll send me help but you'll realize you yourself is the only help I need to complete my fragmented being. You're the only help I need to gain my sanity back. My sanity which had gone away for a long time ever since the day I let you go. By the time you realize this, you're just at home reading, the letter at hand. You'll realize how painful "real" waiting is.

I just want to be with you for the rest of my life but you tied yourself up there. In a make-believe world full of fantasy and happiness except that a million CCTV camera are around watching your every move it starts to suffocate you. But you will stay despite all the asphyxiation because you love him. And you don't love me.  That's the simplest explanation and I make it too complex.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

About You

I think you are undergoing something and you are not telling it to me. I just have suspicions.

It has something to do with you texting me the other day. Sorry if I was not able to reply right away. We have a lot of catching up to do. I hope you'll grant me the wish to see you again for a long talk. I promise I won't give meaning to that meeting if ever. Just for pure conversation's sake.

Text me. It's hard to reply if you're using chikka and not your phone especially if I'm not online.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Yesterday's Adventure

A lot of things happened yesterday. I haven't slept yet since yesterday evening.

I watched Fight Club the film because I'm really curious and I'm hearing good reviews about it. Before that, I went to Pam's house in Taytay because I left my laptop there (intentionally) for I might get hold up by evil forces. I went to Jep's house the other day late in the evening that's why I decided to leave my laptop to Pam.

After watching Fight Club, I went to U.P.-Ayala Technohub along Commonwealth Avenue to meet Miele to get the F&B World Magazines I left at Packo's that day when I went to Jep's birthday.

I think after watching the film, that's the time I received your text. I was not able to reply right away because I didn't have load and I was not online that time. I decided to give you a miss call so that you'll know I received your text and to tell you also that I'm not online that time. Well, anyway, after getting the magazines from Miele, I went to Anonas to buy a pair of formal wear. That's when I was able to text you. I was able to buy a polo shirt and a slack pants. I bought my polo for P55.00 only and my slacks for P85.00 only. I'm planning to buy another pair from that ukay-ukay store in Anonas. I can't afford to buy from department stores because polo shirts and pants there are too expensive.

So there. I'm sorry if we were not able to talk. But I'm glad you texted and remembered me.

I miss you already.

Fight Club: A film review

I was finally able to watch Fight Club. I was planning to read the novel first before watching the actual film but I got itchy to watch it.

Source: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIUkjerqNmHVJoe95zCPFi2JHB0KSvij-1MCYZ1KIPohRdgLAJA6Wts0ERtgUyX5jXdqreDNCUQ98f4vwIQJRo1TE3mIyisgu_bZf-01Sslki2gFvPg1oLL433i4vrXgKQesMkPzk7DmYq/s1600/fight+club+budish+poster.jpg

Fight Club is a 1999 film directed by David Fincher whose main casts include Edward Norton, Brad Pitt and Helena Bonham Carter. It was based from the novel by Chuck Palahniuk.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Fightclubcvr.jpg
I got really affected by the film because of its twisted-ness. It's a psycho film for me because the story, the concept, the message and everything else that the film (or the novel) wants to communicate is insane.

The story is about a guy (whose name was not mentioned and therefore named Narrator) who is suffering from insomnia. He set an appointment with the doctor for a check up to find cure for this sickness of his. He was not able to get the medication he wants and was advised to attend a sort of seminar for patients suffering (or have suffered) testicular cancer to experience real suffering because he was complaining about it. The narrator found the comfort in attending this seminar and several other related seminars because he was able to cry and relate from patients and this made his sleeping normal. The normal cycle of his sleep however, was disrupted again upon the arrival of this girl named Marla who also attends these seminars even if she also doesn't have the same sickness with the patients.

The Narrator got pissed and decided to talk to Marla about her irritating him. They set a deal to attend different patient seminar schedules. He looked for other means to regain his normal sleep cycle thus he came back and began traveling and doing his job again until he met Tyler Durden who will change his life forever.

When the Narrator got home, his condo unit was blown up. Somebody planted a bomb in his unit and he was left with nothing. All he cared for: his furniture set among them were gone.

He decided to live with Tyler and there they formed their friendship. One time, after getting out of the bar, when Tyler asked the Narrator to hit him as strongly as he could, they realized that they wanted to form an underground group they will call Fight Club. People in Fight Club will just fight with their bare fists without their shirt and shoes on. The fight will only stop when someone gives up.

Source: http://filmadventhrough.blogspot.com/2011/05/fight-club-fincher-1999.html

They set the rules of the Fight Club. Rule number 1 states that they should not talk about Fight Club and rule number 2 states that they should not talk about Fight Club among the many other rules which later on will be added by other rules.

The Fight Club became a franchise and it expanded among other parts of America like it's a cult movement.

Tyler decided to form Project Mayhem which is a sort of revolution against the current modern/consumerist/capitalist society they are in. They planned to plant bombs and bring mayhem to many parts of the city. The Narrator was becoming detached to Tyler at this point. He was beginning to realize the wrongness of what they are doing. He got more pissed with Tyler when he did not explain what the Project Mayhem was about.

The Narrator's friend Bob who he met at the beginning at the testicular cancer seminar and a member of Fight Club will get shot at the head and die. This will ignite the fire more inside the Narrator and he will start questioning and opposing things Tyler is doing. He will look everywhere for Tyler for explanation but he can't be found. He will check on the travel log of him and will try looking for him in the major cities he traveled to and to at least 50 bars from each cities.

In the end he will realize that Tyler Durden is him. This is the crazy part actually. All the time, Tyler was also him. The one making decisions and planning was him only by his other personality or character. An alter ego.

The affair with Marla (who the Narrator earlier met) was actually his affair also. The whole cult following was also attributed to him.

The plan to blast the 5 credit card companies building (as part of Project Mayhem) will be stopped by him despite him being also the mastermind of it. He will surrender to the police and will tell the head police officer the entire criminal plot. This part is funny because even the downline police officers are members already of Fight Club and they will cut Tyler's balls in this scene because Tyler (or the Narrator) when he didn't know that they are the same person yet said that he will deny that he is Tyler Durden and once he betrayed the group, the group has the right to cut his balls. Tyler however, will be able to escape these police officers and will try to defuse one of the bombs set to explode.

While attempting to defuse the bomb, he will meet his alter ego again and they will argue and pick a fight against each other. When Tyler lost his consciousness after falling from the stairs, he will wake up from a building floor and a gun will be put inside his mouth (this is actually the start of the scene of the film) and it goes back to the beginning.

Because Tyler the alter ego is also himself, he came up with an idea of controlling him. He was able to get the gun from him (because they are one) and decided to shoot himself to kill his alter ego.

The scene will end with Marla approaching him and they will watch as the buildings of these credit card companies explode.

The last line in the film goes something like: "you met me at the wrong time."

The film affected me so much because of it's twisted theme. The cult following was astonishing. I wanted to be as intelligent and as genius like Tyler (both the alter ego and the real). I was in awe after. What if these events happen in real life? After watching the film, it triggered my indifference and sense of apathy again. Like nothing else matters and like I don't care about anything anymore.

Jep's Birthday

What I don't like about drinking (as in hardcore drinking) is that I easily get red. My eyes get really red that it's like some monster's eyes. My eyes are really scary to look at when I'm drunk.

I went to Jep's Birthday celebration last Monday, April 30. Actually it was Tuesday (his actual birthday) already because I arrived at Puregold Taytay at around 12AM. I came in late because after getting out of the office at around 7PM, I went straight to UP to watch the Live AIDS concept pitching/miting de avance. I was not able to make it though because the activity started at quarter to six and the traffic was terrible. Instead, we went straight to Packo's Restaurant near ABS-CBN for the celebration of the newly elected  director.

I was not able to leave right away for it may appear impolite to the alumni members of the org and the newly elected director who were there.

I hitched ride with Pam and Pao in their car and was able to get to Taytay for free. From there I rode another jeep bound to Angono and dropped by Taytay Puregold. I just bought chips and softdrinks as peace offering/gift because I came in late.

Jep fetched me at the corner beside Puregold.  When we arrived at their home which is only a few blocks away, I saw that there were not many of his barkada present. Jomar and Balong were the only ones able to attend and his two childhood friends.

Jep and I did a lot of catching up. I owe him a lot since I was not able to attend any of his inuman invitations in their home.

I was glad and saddened by updates in his life.

My nape hurts

And I'm undergoing it again. The feeling of detaching from people. That feeling of not caring about anyone anymore. This happens to me every once in a while. I curse everything on my way when I'm in this mood.