The emotions I feel right now

Since I don’t have internet connection and I really like to blog to release all these stress I’m feeling tonight (actually since earlier this afternoon), I will just write it here in MS Word and transfer this after as soon as I get our internet back.

Okay, I really feel so sad, stressed, and depressed right now. I’ll enumerate the reasons why.

Well, looks like I’m having a difficulty where to start. My heart feels it’s being gripped hard I just want to cry. Many depressing thoughts play in my head. This is not a suicide note. I’m not thinking of committing suicide either. It’s just that it’s so sad I think I’ll go crazy.

Pam and I have this sort of (for the purpose of giving it a term) a cold war or cold treatment with each other. It started yesterday when I failed to meet them in Ababu because I thought they were there waiting for me. We sort of had a “miscommunication”. I got upset. I don’t have load at the time April texted me, inviting me to eat at Ababu with Marc and Pam. I was on my way to Area 2 that time to buy food and some sticks of cigarette. I bumped into Kuya Jumong and we had a little conversation. I left CMC but I ensured them that I’ll follow them by texting through Ariadne. On my way to Katipunan, while inside the jeep, Marc texted me to drop off at Mini-stop so they can fetch me and then I thought we can eat together at Ababu. Since I don’t have load and I assumed that they will come from the said place, to avoid the hassle and the inconvenience of fetching me, I dropped off by the corner of the street where Ababu is located. I walked the few blocks to get there. They were not there. It turned out they’re done eating. I got pissed. I said I’ll walk again to where they were (which was in Mini-stop) but decided along the way to not come with them on the way home anymore. I texted them to go on and leave and made some lame excuse that I’ll leave later. I met Miele, Jes and her girlfriend Set near the corner where I dropped off earlier and they invited me to come with them to drink a bottle of Manila Beer. I agreed to come with them to provide myself a company. I just needed to put away the upset feeling I have that night.

We drank and I told them what happened. Jes commented: “naiwan ka na naman?” and I just frowned.

The next day which is today, I tried to forget what happened and convinced myself to let it pass. Marc and I saw each other in STS class and I tried to be casual. When my class finished at four, I went to CMC to hang out and to kill time. I needed to use the internet but I got lazy to do so. I returned Claire’s bronzer and gave her the token I bought. I texted April so I can also return her lip gloss (take note: I borrowed make up kits from them because we had a photo shoot two days ago) and also give her the token I bought for her. It turns out she’s home already. Pam arrived and I tried to be casual to her too, the same treatment I gave Papilord (Marc). They decided to eat together somewhere in Maginhawa and invited everybody to join, I refused to go. I don’t like the feeling of riding with them in the car while I still have grudge on them. Papilord said: “bahala ka!” and in my mind I said: “bahala ka din!”. I did not let the words slip out of my mouth because I don’t like to pick a fight to a friend. When I get mad with people I give cold treatment to them. I’m sort of “nagpaparamdam” that I am still pissed and irritated because of what happened. But I’m doing it subtly.

Before they left, Pam asked me (which she always does ask me to do but I always don’t want to do) to text her once I get home. I told her that I don’t have load (my lame excuse again) and she said she will call me instead. I reloaded because I wanted to reply to April’s text message. I was in Katipunan and was looking for a Cainta jeep when my phone vibrated. Pam’s calling but I don’t want to answer it. When the phone stopped vibrating I texted her not to call me anymore and just text me (I want it to mean that I don’t want to talk [to her] but I don’t know if she got that message) because I reloaded. After that she did not reply. I immediately looked for a jeep I can ride in for the fear of seeing them and fetching me. As if... But who knows? It can happen. I wanted to avoid them.

When I dropped off Sta. Lucia mall, I smoke a stick of cigarette. After finishing it, I rode another jeep and went home.

This is just the first reason why I’m so sad, depressed, stressed, upset, not in the mood, angry... all of those irritating feeling you feel. The next reason why I’m sad is because Sir Choy talked to me and asked me to text April (because he still doesn’t have a phone) to meet him tomorrow. April is in trouble with her thesis – the only requirement she needs to finally leave college, and she has not passed anything yet (according to Sir Choy). I want April to really focus on her thesis now. I’m offering her help but I feel she’s refusing it. I’ve been offering her help since last sem. She and Sir Choy will meet tomorrow at 12:30 in the afternoon to talk about it. We (April and I) discussed this through text and I can feel her loath in doing her thesis again. It seems like she’s discouraged again, and she’s vocal about it ever since. She always complains on the necessity of doing it. I’ll help her in any way I can since here is where I’m good at. In helping other people. But when it comes to helping my self, strangely, I can’t do it. Not that it’s against my will to whole-heartedly help April.

Home’s always the receiver of all the stress, pain and shit feeling I collect at school and on the way home. And that is why my sister and I always quarrel. I don’t know if it has something to do with me and my sister being both Leo (Pam, Chelly, April and other orgmates believe in the compatibility shit of zodiacs). I’m just not that open-minded to believing, even considering as a basis for compatibility people’s zodiac signs. I learned in grade school that people should not believe in horoscope and that it’s a sin to believe in it. I want to be firm with that belief.

Anyway, going back to me and my sister’s quarreling, recently I find it hard to ask extra money from her since one of my major subject demands that we release our own money. Add up to that, we found out that we only have P5,000 as research fund for this class entitled Comm Res 165 (Data Interpretation & Reporting) popularly known as DERP (which stands for Department Extension Research Project) but the department decided not to call it DERP anymore.

I still have debt from one of my classmates since I was left out of money the time we were data gathering and sampling billboards in EDSA and you know you can’t just go yet that time even though you’re hungry. I had to control my hunger and the thought of being broke is just so depressing. My money’s only good for some sticks of cigarette. I know it’s bad for my health. I know everyone will get mad at me. My sister, my two other siblings, my nanay, my tatay, but sometimes it’s only those sticks of cigarette which saves me from severe sadness I feel. I can’t just quit. I will go crazy. I’m scared of the adverse effects of cigarettes on my health but I’m even more scared of losing something I hold on to to release all the depressing thoughts and feelings.

Too bad I can’t post this entry ASAP.