Going back to the beginning

Here we go again with our old habit like it's the first time we meet again in years. It's funny that we go back to the beginning when all is said and done.

It seems to me that we can't really let go of each other and we're both aware that it's not good. I told you I realized my mistake already and that is my selfish love for you but we still can't hold off. Is there some invisible force that binds us together that's why we're like this? Maybe.

Are we going back to the beginning? I don't know. I'm just sure I will wait until you guys break up. That's the smartest and the rightest thing to do for me.

What I talk about when I talk about Sports

I just got home from running. It was tiring but it was worth it. My left leg was in pain a while ago. I think I moved the muscle in that leg the wrong way.

I like running than any other sports. I don't like competitive sports such as the more popular basketball, football or volleyball. I don't want the feeling of being bullied or being the least excellent player. I'm not an incompetent person. In fact I'm a very competitive one. But I hate losing. For me, it's better if I have one goal, for example in running, that I set myself to finish. That's the type of person I am I guess.

I also like swimming but I don't want to compete and to achieve the "swimmer" body which shapes like an inverted pyramid. I just want to be good at it. I want to learn more strokes and I want to learn how to save someone from drowning and to do long-hour treading.

Sorry, not really the sporty type. I even hate to grow big muscles and abs. I'm happy to achieve a small abdomen and to maintain my thin figure. But to grow big built? Nah, forget it.

Re: the novel

Hi! If you have questions about the characters in the novel, I'm willing to discuss it. That is if you're still willing to meet up with me despite what we've already talked about.

I want to share to you what my insights are about the novel.

This is a suggestion only don't worry. I don't want to be too pushy.

I miss you.

Attempted Story No. 1

And they talked until morning like it's the last. She said she wanted to cut it off. He was sad, his heart hurt but he did not show it. He chuckled and asked, are you sure with your decision? She was not responding right. She said, I don't know. Time flew by quickly. The hours that passed by are like seconds only. But that night they shared is an eternity. At least for him. They did not notice that it's morning already and they were not able to arrive at a resolution. They laughed, they exchanged stories, they teased each other. It's their way of keeping up for the years they lost and not spent together.

So what are we going to do? asked she. He said that the decision depends on her. If she will ask him, she knows what he'll answer and that is to continue the foolish thing they are doing. Finally, she decided, with her head bowed, "let's just do this". The smile on his face was like plastered by a tape. He cannot hide the overflowing joy he was feeling and it was very obvious in his reaction. They parted happily. He, until he got home has that smile on and was like in some state of trance.

I'm

I think I'm losing my sanity already. I'm going crazy right now and I'm enveloped in deep loneliness since that decision to let you go.

I'm undergoing severe suffering. It's hard but I need to stay. This happens to people who choose to wait for the one they love. The consequences we experience are based from the decisions we make.

An author said: "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."



Note: I wrote this last night on my phone while inside the jeepney bound to IPI. I was not able to transfer it right away because I fell asleep when I got home. I thought you texted me already so I checked my phone. I realized I was still in my subconscious state and was just dreaming.

I'm not moving

My nape always aches whenever I arrive at home from my internship. I don't know if it's because of stress from work, the weather, or the travel when I commute from work to home. I want to put ice on my nape.

Anyway, I promised to write stories about you, about me, and about us. I don't know if I can do it now. I'm finishing the novel I'm reading a long time ago plus I need to read something. It's a sort of an assignment, some management and communication module. But anyway, I'll do those stuff later after I'm done with this.

Before the story, I want to react on your status updates. I'm sorry if I made you cry last night. I don't want you to feel that way. I cried hard too. It was hard to stop tears from falling especially if others can see you.  I've already explained it to you. I'm sorry.

Thank you because my love for you became more matured. I will miss you big time. All the things I said last night are true. My feelings, my decision to wait, my promise not to forget you among others. I'll stick to that. Pinky swear! Trust in me please. I don't want you to be replaced in my heart. Just like the song by The Script: "I'm not moving." I will always go back to that corner where you left me.

Now with regards to the sign you were asking, can you give me an idea about that? I sometimes assume that I'm related to that sign but I can't just do that. I'm in no position to assume but I can't help my self.

Were you able to get the job? Is it about it? I hope your prayers were granted. I only wish your happiness.

I will try to write now. I can't bear the pain in my nape anymore. I need to be productive.


P.S.
If you wish to cut our communication, it's okay. I'm not going to be mad. But if you wish to still get in touch with me, I'll be really grateful. You know how you can contact me. I'm just here. I'm not moving.

P.P.S.
I'm going to start with my stories now.

Read this

I have something to tell you and it will change your life forever. Now, you need to communicate with me by any means because I made a promise not to text you or message you because he might know.

It is very important that we meet.

Don't worry, I mean no harm. I don't want you to get into trouble. My feelings for you are pure and my only wish is your happiness.

Please please please.

Severe Misery

I'm happy with your status update. It made me smile. Really. It means you somewhat remembered me. I hope you always do. Because I always do.

But when will you text me again? I can't wait for that text message to come. We need to talk. Because I miss you already. Like severely. And I have something important to tell you.

I miss you so much.

Take care always.

My Only Find

I woke up today and it hit me
I miss you so bad, really
When will our paths cross again?
I'm verging on becoming insane

I want to capture that heart of yours
Lock it behind my doors
I will never let you go
My feelings for you overflow

Are you really happy with him?
Does he give you everything?
Because I want to give you my world
With you, I want to grow old

The night we spent until dawn
Thinking how we can end this thing going on
But our feelings won't allow us
We talked and we laughed like it's the last

I need you beside me
To give me the warmth of your company
To share the joy, triumphs and even failures
You're the only one I'll forever treasure

Future

Sometimes I stare blankly at space and contemplate hard about life and about us.

Where will our fate bring us? What will happen after a year?

There's a lot of possible things to happen I know. One thing is for sure though, I don't want this to end.

Please, just hold on. We can make this through. We'll take it one step at a time. Just believe in my love for you. I'll be here for you, always.

Good Morning!

Good morning! I want to greet you directly but I guess it's just here where I can communicate to you. I was just browsing your photos and looking at your lovely face.

I miss you already. I hope you feel the same way too.

I'm excited to see you again. I need to do some self make-over. I'm growing pimples/acnes plus I think my hair is quite long already. This is no good. I need to look "pogi" to you always.

I miss you.

On Faith and Religion

Not believing in Jesus Christ doesn't mean you are an anti-christ already. “Anti” is such a derogatory term. Not believing in Christ simply means you just don’t believe in him neither you are against him. It’s just that, for people like me, I don’t know what to believe in anymore. Religions present this and that who-about facts about Jesus Christ. They are so many that they clash and make me confuse. According to Karl Marx, religion is the opium of the people. It is a pie in the sky when you die. It is an apparatus created by institutions called church to make people submit to beliefs and not question it, therefore, it is an instrument for the oppressed (although I really don’t understand what oppressed means and how it is different from suppressed and repressed).

I remember one quote saying that the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. When I googled who said it, it appeared that it was written in the book of Proverbs 9:10. Socrates also said that the admission of ignorance is the start of wisdom, thus the quote “All I know is I know nothing”.

I know nothing about things like this so I’m in an endless search for the truth. I have to admit that I sometimes (or most of the times) have shortcomings that I lack the time to read, search, and study on my own about God (and Jesus Christ). I believe that there is one God who controls everything, who monitors our every activity like the idea of post-structuralism by Michel Foucalt also exemplified by the novel 1984 by George Orwell (although I haven’t read the book yet but that was what I heard the idea of the book) and by the reality TV show Big Brother (Pinoy Big Brother). He sees everything and rewards and punishes people according to the norms set by Him and by mankind.

I want to end it here because this is really a hard and hot topic of debate. I don’t want to go any further because my knowledge about this is very limited. I made a promise to myself to study all of these ideas. Sometimes I envy those atheists because although they don’t believe in God, they are well read and they can defend their selves when asked why they don’t believe in God. They know and they studied it very well and they are not just any assholes who speak shitty things.

For Bryan

Kailangan punan
Ang mga pangangailangan
Ayos lang yan
Punk rock tayo jan

Bodily need
'Wag mo na isipin kung good or bad deed
Hindi naman ganoon kamorbid
Kung ito'y iyong mababatid
Smoke lang ng konting weed
At kiss na torrid

Mahirap kapag katawan ang naghanap
Nakakaulol, nakakaburat
Atin ang langhap sarap


P.S.
I wrote this for a friend I concealed by the name Bryan.

Kilig 5ever

The moment I wake up you already completed my day and put a smile on my face when you posted those status updates. Thank you! Right now, I'm overflowing with joy. I feel loved by you, somehow, even if it could just be my playful imagination.

Thank you for appreciating and valuing the things I gave you. I really hope you enjoy what you're doing there.

I miss you.

:)))))))))))))

Unrequited Love

My world revolves just around you. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Don't worry, there's still love left for myself. If you try to leave me, my world will surely fall apart. But I will try to fix this world of mine with the love left for me and give it to you again with no hesitations. That's how crazy I am for you. I am thirsty for your love.

I'm still waiting for that moment you'll realize that my love is more deserving of reciprocation.

Por(no!)graphy

I'm quite embarrassed when you saw that porn video on my phone. Please don't judge me. It's not like I'm that horny or I'm a pervert. I thought I was not able to receive it when I asked my friend to send it on my phone. Apparently, it was you who saw it first.

I don't have a face to show you now. Please don't change your perception of me. I'm not like what you think.

Every time I recall that incident I can't help but be feel ashamed. Ugh. I'm sorry. Don't judge me please!

Happy

I'm happy that I know you're just there. I'm overflowing with joy. I'm in a state of bliss.

You don't know how happy I am when you said those words. To paraphrase it, "let's do this".

Now, I can hold on to something. I've never been this happy in my life. My org mates even notice that I'm "pumopogi". That's the effect you have on me.

I can wait forever just as long as in the end, it will be us together.

Don't be scared to be alone. I will not leave you. I will love you. I'm just here to catch you. I'll be forever beside you.

Counting hours

I'm just counting hours. I'm going to see you again. I can't wait. For the meantime, I'm going to attend to other matters in my life.

Ugh, I can't hide my excitement. If you only know.

This is daydreaming. It's so lucid I don't want to wake up.

Madness

I don't have anything to do. This is the first time I became vain and took pictures of myself. I'm actually not a fan of taking photos and collecting memories. Well, I just think differently. But today, I'm going to post this so that you'll have an idea how I look like now.

This is me after running 10 laps around the Brookside Oval and after eating dinner. Do you think I need to cut my hair already? My friends told me it's still short.

I went back to running. It's difficult to run long distance when you stopped running for a long time. I'm sad right now actually. I miss you so much. I'm excited for our next meeting. I want to see you so bad. You said you have a lot of stories to tell me and I'm excited to hear them.

I miss you! I hope you miss me too.

Because I'm going mad thinking of you, I made this. Sorry I just wrote it in a scratch paper. The first version I made was behind this and the letters were reflected like in a mirror that's why I just traced it behind. Sorry. Heee... But I swear I miss you. I told you I'm just excited for our next meeting.

I miss you the wrong version. Hehe.

This is the original version. I was proud when I finished it only to realize that the letters were reflected in the web cam. So I just traced it behind. Hahahahaha. I miss you! I miss you! I miss you x1000!

P.S.
When I go crazy I tend to become redundant.

In my eyes

I must admit that I still look for other girls. For other prospects. Panext girls of today. And that was our deal. I will wait for you until I find someone else.

But at the end of the day my eyes, my mind, and my heart will find their way home to you.

In the eyes of others you may look as a simple pretty girl but in my eyes, damn, you are drop-dead gorgeous.

You are the most beautiful creation God has ever made. Everything about you is beautiful. And you must know that.

P.S.
¡Que ganas tengo de verla!
I'm excited to see you!

I'm no good

I was speaking with my Nanay earlier. I was asking her a few things about myself when I was still a kid like what time I was born, why I don't have pictures when I was an infant and stuff like that.

She told me that she had a hard time delivering me to birth that it took until evening before I was out and welcomed to this world. According to her I was a big baby. I weighed 9 lbs.

When I was in kindergarten she told me that I was really smart and good at school. She will take me to my kindergarten school and pick me up also after class dismissal. When I get home, I automatically open my bag, bring out my notebook, pencil, books etc. and start reading and studying our lessons. I don't have a clear memory of this though. I was the second honor in our class. I was supposed to be the first honor but I had to be absent from school for one week because my grandmother in Mindoro (my mother's mother) died.

Nanay told me I was really doing well at school. I told her that I was not good and that I was lazy when I was in elementary but she said I was consistently in section 1. According to her, I was even smarter than my Ate but I believe it's the other way. It's Ate who's more smart. Nanay defended me and said Ate was just more focused than I. She was telling me that I just got engaged to "barkadas" that's why I was not able to focus at school. I was comparing my Ate passing the UPCAT (University of the Philippines College Admission Test) and me not.

I was fascinated to hear these stories. I have confidence in myself but I just see myself as an average student. I'm not as smart as other people might think. Well, I'm dwelling with this because especial people around me like the one I love right now told me that. That I'm smart. I just laughed at the compliment. I wish I really am (or I really was). I wanted to be good at math and science.

Jenny

Due to insistent public demand I bring you Jenny (Song Hye-kyo) of Endless Love 1: Autumn in my Heart and Full House and Eula from the Broadcast Communication Department, UP College of Mass Communication.

Song Hye-Kyo (left) and Eula Garzon (right)
Click the photo to zoom

I find that they really look-alike, at least in this photo of Eula.

Someone especial asked me why I don't court this girl. I told her she's just a happy crush because I think she looks like Jenny. I secretly call her Jenny at Mass Comm but... yeah. It will just be a happy crush. Nothing more.

So there you go. I will remove this post after a week or two. Eula might find out. I'll be dead. I can get sued for posting this even if I don't intend to offend or to harm her.


P.S.
Sorry for the quality of the photo. I only edited it on paint. I'm not very good at photoshop. Sorry the quality deteriorated.

Namedropping

I was hesitant to post this at first so I saved this as a draft and now I'm posting it again. There's no turning back. I think this post won't hurt anyone.


P.S.
I don't know if I originally wrote this at 7:57AM but whatever!


I'm doing something funny right now. I'm looking at pictures of girls I courted/wooed (or whatever the term for "ligaw" is) in high school.

I'm looking at photos of Rose Ann Cunanan (my classmate when I was still in section 3 during my first year), Jolybee Clemente (who was also my classmate in first year but I courted during my second year), and now I'm still thinking of the girls I courted or made "paramdam" with.

Here is the list of the girls I had a crush on and/or I remember courting:

1. Fiona Mae Fernandez (who I think is a distant cousin. I know, gross) - grade 6
2. Rose Ann Cunanan - first year (who I also courted during third year or fourth year?)
3. Jolybee "Jai" Clemente - second year
4. Jubelyn "Ube" Arojado - third year
5. Carla Andrea "Aya" Mabugay - fourth year (was abruptly stopped because I courted the next)
5. Avie Kaye "Bek" Calderon - fourth year (I cried a lot over her and now I laugh when I reminisce about it)
6. Kristine Longno - fourth year (I only had a crush on her)
7. Rowena "Weng" Pedron - fourth year (also only a crush but I became her prom date during seniors' prom)
8. Cherrie Rose Arroyo - fourth year (she's from section 2 but from what I can recall, I courted her shortly after graduation)
9. Justice "Jhaz or Jaz or Jazz" Gutierrez - fourth year (which until now I still have strong feelings for)

It's kinda funny when I look back and remember I courted or at least had a crush on these girls. I have  no regrets though.

I don't know, I feel like writing about this thing. You know me, I almost write about anything as long as I feel writing about it.

Right now, I'm waiting for someone to be my *clears throat* first girlfriend.

She knows this already.

Clue: She's included in the list.

Originally written on April 4, 2012
7:57AM

Hey

I think it's unfair not to write a blog about how you made my day despite what's going on with me.

You seem to put on the balance in my life.

You also never fail to put a smile on my face when I'm down and blue.

Thank you for making me happy. I know you are undergoing a lot of troubles, worries and pains recently. But you're still there. You never forget me. And I'm very grateful for it.

I miss you.

W.W.Y.D.

Imagine if we bump into each other one ordinary day. What would you do? What would you say?

The last 8 days of you avoiding me has been miserable. It's demotivating. What will your reaction be if one of these days we accidentally meet?

I always imagine that. That encounter. With or without him and our reflex when entangled in that situation.

If you'll ask me, I don't know what I'll do. I'll probably chase you if you try to avoid me again and talk to you. I wish you won't shun me.

I just want to see you. I want to hold that face and tell you that you are lovely.

Kailan nga ba?

Totoo pala yung sinasabi nilang mahirap maghintay. Sa pag-ibig at least. Matiyaga kasi akong tao (I'd like to believe). Sa pila, sa paglabas ng resulta ng grades, sa pag-aaral ng tabs sa gitara, etc.

Pero damn, di ko inexpect na ganito pala kahirap kapag yung taong mahal mo yung hinihintay mo. Totoo nga yung sinasabi ni Popoy. Para kang tanga at balisa. Naghihintay sa text nya. Silip ka nang silip sa phone mo pero hindi naman darating yung text na gusto mong dumating.

Malapit na kong lumutin sa paghihintay. Nakakapagod din pala. Kaso, hindi ako yung tipong basta basta sumusuko. Hangga't may nakikita akong pag-asa, tuloy pa.

Sana, sana, sana... Konting kapit pa.

Kailan nga ba?

P.S.
Di ako magaling mag-gitara ha.

Takbo

Babalik ako sa pagtakbo
Baka sakaling maibsan nito
Ang paghihirap na nadarama ko
Sa mga pagkakataong hindi ako at siya ang kasama mo

Ang sakit ng katotohanan
Na hindi mo siya kayang iwan
Samantalang ako'y kaya mong pabayaan
Nang basta basta na lang

Ano ba naman ang laban ko?
Nauna siya sa'yo
Pero sana maisip mo
Na mas mahal kita ng totoo

Di kita pababayaan, di kita iiwan
Di kita ipagpapalit kaninuman
Alam kong gasgas man
Ang mga salita ko'y makatotohanan

Sa bawat hakbang palayo
Sa bawat hiningang hinahabol sa pagkahapo
Ang malinaw na alaala mo
Habang buhay ko ipakatatago

I've already written a lot of things about you. My concerns, my feelings, my desire and my strong need to have you. But you seem not to care. I don't even know if these things reach you. Perhaps you're avoiding to read these too.

I'm not ranting neither am I complaining (maybe, sort of, a bit) but please don't hide anymore.

Don't be hard on me. I swallowed all the pain, humiliation and pride already.

no reply

And you decided not to reply to my text message.

That's perfectly fine with me. It could mean anything. Like you suddenly ran out of load, your battery died, you have no signal, or you just didn't receive it.

It could also mean that you were able to receive it and read it but decided not to reply to forget me, to get rid of me, and for me to forget you as well. But you know I can't forget you.

I don't know if making people wait is a burdening feeling but waiting is surely the most agonizing state one could get in. You hold on to that small spark of hope not sure if it's going to pull you up or let you fall. But you still believe because as the saying goes, "there's still hope".

I just pray that you make the right choice. And I believe and I'm overly confident that to be with me is the right choice.

I'm just here. I'm not going anywhere.

Still hoping

A quote from Haruki Murakami (my favorite author) which I got from tumblr:

“But who can say what’s best? That’s why you need to grab whatever chance you have for happiness where you find it, and not worry too much about other people. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a lifetime, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.”

You are my happiness and I should grab on to you.

Another one:

“If you can love someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there’s salvation in life. Even if you can’t get together with that person.”

I know, chances are you can never be mine. But I'll hold on to the other chance.

And probably a last quote from the same source:

“A person learns how to love himself through the simple acts of loving and being loved by someone else.”

A friend told me that in order to love others, love thyself first. This proves her wrong. Love is about growth and learning. It's a social process where self is developed. And I strongly believe in that.

Lenten Season

This is one article I wrote for our Jounalism 101 (Introduction to Journalism) class. We were asked to put up a web site and there we will submit all the best articles we did in class, per group. This is the article I made about the holy week celebration in Cainta particularly the "Penitensya" tradition. When I read it all over again I find many grammatical errors. Hahahaha. This is a perfect article for this lenten season. Here it goes, enjoy!

http://welovechannel2better.blogspot.com/2010/04/penitensya-tradition-that-will-last_05.html

Kabaduyan 2012

Pam-painspire magsulat ng thesis. Oo, hanggang ngayon hindi pa din ako nakakapagpasa. Sana talaga ma-inspire ako at matapos ko na. Pero alam mo namang ikaw lang ang inspirasyon ko. Ano man ang sabihin nila sa'yo, you're still you.

Sobrang hirap pala maghintay
Isa sa mga pinakamasakit na bagay gawin
Ang pinakamasakit sa lahat, ang maghintay at umasa sa imposible
Kumbaga, naniniwala lang ang utak mo na meron, maaaring meron
Pero walang kasiguraduhan

Mahirap, masakit
Para mong pinaparusahan ang sarili
Kahit hindi naman deserve ng sarili mo
Ang pag-ibig ay pagpepenitensya
Ito ay pagpaparusa sa kunwari ay mga kasalanang nagawa
Pag-ibig = Kasalanan?
Siguro ang magmahal sa maling tao at maling panahon

Pero ano ba ang umibig?
Hindi ko alam
Hindi ko pa naman nararanasan na ibigin ng taong iniibig ko din
Laging linear, laging one-way
Palaging walang reciprocation

Ngunit sa huli, iibig pa din tayo
Gaano man masaktan, gaano man mapahiya, gaano man katagal maghintay
Bitter sweet ika nga
Positibo lang dapat ang epekto lagi ng love
Umibig lang ng umibig kahit masaktan.

Graduation

I will graduate on October. That's a promise to myself.

I will take it one step at a time. I will take down Comm Res 199 (Research Design/Thesis Proposal ) now, then Comm Res 160 (Internship) this summer and Comm Res 200 (Thesis) on my last sem next sem.

Then I can do anything after that. I will prove to her that I'm worth it.

Marriage

I have this org mate who is a hot bachelor. Let's hide him by the name of Tito. He graduated with a degree in broadcast communication and took a second degree in sports science. He also took a master's degree in sports science where I think he found what he really wants. I got inspired by his story because I also want to take another course which I think I will excel on. I did not much like communication research as a course since it is difficult.

The reason why I suddenly wrote a blog about this org mate is that despite him being a hot bachelor (he has a good physique and a "pretty" face), he's not married yet. He is 39 already if I'm not mistaken.

I don't want to be like him. He got it all: the looks, the brains, the body (and I think even the money) but he hasn't found that someone who he will spend the rest of his life with.

I don't want to grow old alone. I know I'm not as good-looking as him but I promise to myself that I won't reach that age before I get married. Maybe the latest I'll get married is at 30.

Not that I'm taking things hurriedly, but I don't want to get that old before I decide to enter the "committed" stage of life.

On the verge of going crazy

I want to know you more the way you want to know me more.
But you're pushing me away and I want you to stay.
Don't ever leave again. This heart cannot contain anymore pain.
That feeling of confusion is shared by me and you. I don't know what to do.

It's 5 o'clock and my brain is hacked.
I want to sing you a song in the hopes that it will keep us going.
I'll write the lyrics and I'll compose the melodies.
That's how fool I am. I don't want to end this mayhem.

The sun is shining already and I'm still nobody.
I will never be complete. You're in my every heartbeat,
In my sleep, in my dreams, in every breath and it seems
like I cannot live. You're my life support I believe.

Shed these tears

I'm just stuck and lost in space.

Nobody holds the future I know.

It's all sinking in to me now.

It hurts so bad.

22

It's summer yet the weather's cold. It feels cold... and lonely when you realize that the only person you wish to be with for the rest of your life cannot be yours... ever.

We only live to dream that someday, the one person we loved and we waited for so long will find their refuge in our arms. But fate is not that giving.

I can't eat, I can't sleep. All I can do is think and let my thoughts fly away in a wonderland where you and I belong to each other.

I have to be strong for you.